Why Can't 90% of People Stop Their Worst Habits?

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Hi friend,

I'm reading "Your Pocket Therapist," and the chapter on addiction completely shifted how I think about bad habits.

Not just the obvious ones, drugs, alcohol, but the everyday behaviors most of us struggle with.

What Addiction Actually Means

Here's the definition from the book:

The reliance on any substance or behavior to avoid difficult thoughts or feelings. It's not the substance or behavior itself, but something you cannot stop.

Why can't we stop? Why can't we just work less, quit drinking, stop eating when we know we should?

We cannot stop because the addictive behavior is serving an important purpose: it is keeping us from pain. We're distracting and numbing our minds from the anxiety underneath, running from the unconscious truth we don't want to face.

Look at these behaviors we use to cope with internal pain:

• Disordered eating

• Social media

• Buying things

• Over-exercising

• Work

• Checking the news

• Obsessive thoughts

Most of us are on that list somewhere.

Why We Can't Just Stop

Here's the truth: "We're trying to fill a hole of care and attention that we didn't get."

These habits, whether substance use or behavioral patterns, are attempts to create a pseudo-parent who soothes us and is always there. Something to fill the deficit in early relationships where we didn't learn how to regulate our emotions or care for ourselves in healthy ways.

Even though the addiction creates problems (drains our energy, ruins our health, damages relationships), our minds think the original pain we're numbing is more dangerous.

We're running from something we don't want to face.

Here's the hard part: tackling the habit itself won't heal the root.

You can quit the behavior. Build willpower. Create better routines. But if you don't address the pain you're numbing, the need to soothe will persist.

The Antidote: Connection

The opposite of addiction isn't willpower. It's connection.

Connection to other people. And connection to the vulnerable parts of yourself that the addiction is masking.

The dopamine and endorphins from the addiction are replacing the love and connection we're missing. Even when we're surrounded by people, we might not feel deeply connected if we keep our vulnerable parts hidden.

Four Ways to Start Connecting

The book offers some practices that can help you begin this work:

1. Give yourself permission to feel anything. Don't force how you're feeling. You might feel nothing, numb, or flat. Maybe you only feel happy and positive. That's okay. Allow it.

2. Tune in to your body. Feelings are just physical sensations. How does your body feel right now? Give yourself a second to check in. Your body will tell you that you just need to give it space.

3. Journal. This is where journaling becomes more than reflection; it's a tool to face what you've been avoiding.

Give yourself space to write freely about whatever you're thinking and feeling. A few minutes a day, without trying to make it good or imagining anyone would read it. You're creating a judgment-free place where your unconscious is safe to spill out.

I've been writing about decision journaling lately, and this adds another layer: journaling isn't just about making decisions. It's about connecting with the pain underneath the patterns.

4. Connect to your inner child. Sometimes it's easier to feel empathy for a child than for ourselves. Visualize yourself as a child. What did that little child need? What do they need from you now?

The more we connect to our child selves, the more we can have compassion for ourselves and connect to those painful feelings we might have shut off.

When to Get Professional Help

Here's something critical that needs to be said clearly:

If you have a habit you can't stop, especially one that's harming your health, relationships, work, or well-being, these practices alone may not be enough.

Self-reflection and journaling are valuable tools, but they're not substitutes for professional support.

Addiction (whether to substances or behaviors) often requires therapy, counseling, support groups, or medical intervention. The roots can be deep, the patterns entrenched, and healing often needs guidance from someone trained to help you through it.

There's no shame in getting help. In fact, seeking professional support is one of the most courageous forms of connection you can make.

The Hard Truth

Sometimes things get worse before they get better. To really heal, you have to go through the painful things you've been avoiding.

But that's where the healing actually is.

Not in the perfect morning routine. Not in the productivity hack. Not in the new app or the latest habit tracker.

In facing what you've been running from. In connecting with the parts of yourself you've kept hidden. In reaching out, whether to a friend, a therapist, or a support group, and letting yourself be seen.

What behavior are you using to avoid something you don't want to face?

And more importantly: what support do you need to actually address it? (Think about that and take an action, now, not tomorrow!)